It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman
Every fight is a food fight when you are a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen
Make crime pay - become a lawyer.
-- Will Rogers
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
-- Benny Hill
Once it was impossible to find any Bond villains older than myself, I retired.
-- Roger Moore
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.
-- Sam Ewing
Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
-- Walter Winchell
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
-- Lionel Barrymore
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney
There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly.
-- Helen Rowland
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers
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